Goodbye My Old Friend

We drove to Huntsville yesterday to say good bye to one of my best friends.

By the time, you read this Tommy probably will have passed away. The doctor said he wouldn't make it through the weekend.

Just in his early 70's, I watched him decline over the past five years from a terrible disease that robbed him of his breath -- COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease.) You can read about it here.

COPD is the 4th leading killer in America killing more women than men. But 80-90 percent of all COPD sufferers are (or have been) smokers. Tommy smoked for 30 years. Even though he stopped 25 years ago, the damage was done.

After moving to Alabama, Tommy had become my friend, confidante and advisor...

He was not a rich guy by standard measures. But he had more friends and affected more people than any man I've ever met.

He was the definition of spiritual -- kind, gentle, forgiving, loving and active in his faith.

I'd sit with him and "Bubba" -- his small portable oxygen tank -- while he listened to me whine about trivial situations. My problems.

Occasionally, Tommy would stop talking and breathe deeply to get enough oxygen in his system. Then he'd comment or listen some more. To me and my problems! He never judged me for being self-absorbed. In fact, I sometimes thought he preferred listening to my problems than talking about his own.

After a few years of going to lunch and getting closer, he told me more and more about his situation and his struggles with money, health, and family. And I felt privileged that he shared that with me.

But it wasn't just me.

Being in the hospital room with Tommy and his wife yesterday was like being in parade. A constant stream of people -- family and friends -- paused by his bedside to hold his hand and look into his eyes. They all longed for some miracle to keep this wonderful man alive awhile longer in a world that needs him so badly.

But he's done more work and contributed more to the welfare of family and friends than anyone can hope. And he did it selflessly with humility and gratitude for what he had.

Lying in a hospital bed hooked up to tubes and electrodes, feeling the effects of serious relaxation medication, he was in less pain and his struggle seemed deceptively easier. He talked...and he talked...as much as he could say, he wanted to get it out.

He'd known my wife since childhood. And when he saw her, he hugged her neck and kissed her cheek as she bent to kiss his forehead. "I wish I could have helped you more," he said. "You've been such an inspiration to me coming back to take care of your momma..."

Laying at death's door, his words to my wife were "I wish I could help you more," not "can't you do something for me?"

Tears welled up in my eyes. But I smiled big as I held his hand and told him I loved him. At the same time, I was so sad that I hadn't built a closer relationship. That I hadn't listened to him more and learned more from him. Instead, he listened to me.

Only a few weeks ago, he said words that haunt me even now: "David, I worry about you. You're just running through life missing so much of the important stuff. Slow down, boy."

Slowly, I'm learning to walk again and appreciate more of the scenery around me. Tommy was the one who helped me see the value in that. That's how I remember him -- walking me through life and showing the important stuff.

As I was leaving his side to make room for more family and friends, he squeezed my hand tightly and looked into my eyes and said, "I love you, boy..."

Tommy will always be with me, but now, it's time to cry for those missed opportunities to walk with him a little more.

Comments

[Ron White]

David,

Just by chance (but nothing really happens by chance) I went to your blog today to read the most recent story. I haven't been out here in months! Though I came to read the current story about having it all, I was quickly directed to your story about saying good bye to an old friend. David, I needed to read that story today. There's no doubt in my mind that the Good Lord directed my fingers to click on that story. Though I didn't know Tommy I could certainly relate to the advice he gave you and in effect the advice you have just given me:) I needed to read that because I saw myself in that Run for Life mode and not enjoying the little things, the actual important things along the way. Just this week I was in Dallas for meetings. I called home and spoke to Tracie, Nyala and Juwan to find that once again I missed the little things. Nyala lost her first tooth and her excitement in losing her tooth and experiencing the Tooth Fairy's visit was more important to her than anything in life. Though I could hear the excitement, somewhat feel her joy, in pales in comparison to being there!! I too must learn (again) to Walk through Life and enjoy the moments. Sorry for the lost of your friend but even in his death, Tommy is still touching you and you touching others with his advice.

Take Care,

Ron

[HP van Duuren]

My condolences, this kind of things hardly ever seem to be associated with "Happy", although I once heared an expression going something like this: "Every good-bye, is the Birth of a Memory" and I don't see anything wrong in also taking time for thinking about Happy Memories and appriciating life. HPvD.

[Jude Wright]

I'm sorry to hear about your friend, David. My father-in-law has been struggling with the same disease for the last few years. He is not expected to last through the summer.

My condolences,

Jude

[Alfa King]

It's always sad to see our dear ones leaving us for ever. We stay helpless. Our life doesn't belong to us. Once we're born death awaits us all.
We, in turn, lost an eminent cardiologist last week. A man of heart, his look always shining, ready to help ease the suffering of all, living at jet speed, he left us at the same pace. Son of our ex-President he leaves behind a widow and two children. Dr. Oomar Uteem will ever be remembered for his quest for excellence and his concern for perfection.
The irony is in the concern for saving others' heart he couldn't save his. He passed away after a myocardial infarct as diagnosed by his uncle, also doctor by profession.
Life is a mystery and we just got to pray that we live and leave this world in peace.
My deep condolences to you, David, and to Tommy's dear ones.

[Edward Philipp]

David,

What a wonderful tribute to your friend, Tommy. My mother had COPD and had it limit her much like Tommy. I still remember her often and feel grief at her loss. Thank you for sharing with him and yourself with us.

Ed

[Albert Grande]

Thank you very much for taking the time to remind us, not to forget. Sometimes, we need to be reminded. I truly feel for you, David.
I have lost some close friends over the years. It still hurts at times.
As Espo always says: "When they're gone, they're gone. Take care of them while they're still here. Make each moment count."
Be well, stay well. Thank you, again.

[Randy Baldwin]

Hi David,
To the family of Tommy our prayers and condolences.

We too lost 2 dear family members last July to this terrible breath sucking disease.

To know that they and Tommy are now flying with angels is the most awsome of gifts that our Lord Jesus Christ has given them.

May they soar with the Eagles forever more..

Our prayers are also with you and your family on the loss of a dear friend.

God Bless you and keep you by his side. AMEN

With great sorrow and Love.

Randy Baldwin.

[Jeff Burdic]

Sorry to hear of the passing of a loved one, never a good thing to hear but it seems as though his time here was filled with good memories and times to many people, and I know he will be greatly missed, and never forgotten.

God Bless

[Jackie]

Sorry to hear about your friend Tommy. It is always sad to lose a good friend especially someone who is as nice as you describe.

At least he knew he has good friends to give his Wife the support she will now need and could he could die in peace.

[Lisa]

So sorry to hear about your friend. What a great way to pay tribute to someone who made a difference in your life by sharing some of those thoughts with us! That is what life should be about, relationships. Relationships with each other and our God. Even in your final meeting (on earth) he left you with good advice--slow down and enjoy. I will take this advice as well and spend the rest of this Sunday with my family. Thanks for sharing.

Lisa

[Steven Gibbs]

Dear David, I am so sorry about your loss. There is nothing that I can say to ease your pain. Sometimes pain is a good thing in that you will remember what it is to have someone so special in your life. Seems that we take too much for granted and think that our loved ones will always be there. Just appreciate the fact that you were able to meet and experience such a great man. To Tommy.
Steven

[Sandra Bowman]

So sorry to hear of Tommy's passing. I'm sure he knew how much you cared simply by the time and sharing you gave him. You allowed him to love and give to you. Sometimes that is the best gift we can give another.

I can look around and see others who will be full of regrets when certain others are no longer here because they didn't visit or communicate when they could and I wonder if there is any way to 'wake up' these folks before it's too late. Perhaps you have found a way to help others through sharing your regret and pain.

Thanks and God bless.

Sandra Bowman