The Four Fobiddens

It's no secret. You just don't talk about these things in polite company:

Sex, Money, Religion and Politics.

I got my first lesson in forbidden speech when I was about six years old. My young parents, younger brother and I were visiting my great aunt in my folks' old Kentucky hometown. Standing at my aunt's place of work (seems like it was a hardware store, but hey I was six), my mother proudly said, "We got a new washer and dryer." In 1958, that was a big deal. Many people, especially in that part of the country, were still washing clothes in a wringer washer and hanging them out to dry.

In all of my six-year old glory, I piped up, "Yeah, but it's not paid for yet."

Pride to turned to embarrassment. Quickly, I learned that was the wrong thing to say, and age was no excuse. I don't remember exactly what was said, but I do remember the feeling planted in my head: Don't talk about money! Don't tell other people your personal business! And don't ever go outside the family with the dirty laundry. Those feelings over the years were reinforced by my environment, business dealings, family and the media for many years. The idea of talking about personal stuff to someone outside the "trusted circle" was so foreign that I mostly avoided talking.

Well, that's not quite true. I talked a lot. I just never said much. There's a big difference.

I always thought that when you engaged in small talk with friends or colleagues, you didn't want to talk about the four forbiddens because you don't want to offend. I remember dinner gatherings with my family that sometimes became very heated political discussions. While it scared me then, I realize now they were never boring.

I've quoted this book often on this site, and I'm about to do it again. Keith Ferrazzi says in Never Eat Alone:

The first thing small-talk experts tend to do is place rules around what can and can't be said. They claim that when you first meet a person, you should avoid unpleasant, overly personal, and highly controversial issues. Wrong! Don't listen to these people! Nothing has contributed more to the development of boring chitchatters everywhere.

Ferrazzi tells me I've been doing it wrong for most of my life. Take a risk to be yourself he says:

I believe that vulnerability - yes, vulnerability - is one of the most underappreciated assets in business today.

In the chapter called ther Art of Small Talk, Ferrazzi continues:

Too many people confuse secrecy with importance. Business schools teach us to keep everything close to our vest. But the world has changed. Power, today, comes from sharing information, not withholding it.

Sex, Money, Religion, and Politics. Over the next few posts, we'll tackle each of those forbidden topics, long talked about in secrecy, and try to demystify (or at least de-mythify) them.

*Tomorrow's topic is sex.